The Black Book Of Secrets
by The Love Bug
Summary: Well, what can I say? That this is a fic in which Jiraya buys innapropriate secrets, Orochimaru sleeps with underage boys, Itachi is forced to work in a sex shop and Naruto is even more of a pervert than usual? Oh, but that's hardly appropriate. ItaDei!
1. Chapter 1

The Black Book of Secrets

Chapter 1-The Secret Pawnbroker

_Have you ever had a secret?_

_Of course you have, you're only human. Now, have you ever had a secret so great and so terrible that it keeps you awake at night just worrying about it? _

_I thought not. Truly awful secrets are hard to come by. But fear not, for everyone, everyone in the whole God-damned world will have done something they're ashamed of and will have a nasty secret aching to be told. _

_I've got one, and so have you. But you'd never tell, would you?_

_Well, you might. Remember the relief you felt when you confessed that yes, it was you who stole all the cookies from the cookie jar and not your little brother? _

_Now, what if such relief could be found for your big bad secrets? If there was a nice, unbiased man who you could simply tell your secret to and not be judged? Wouldn't that be wonderful? _

_Now imagine that this man actually buys your secrets from you. Why, you say? Secrets aren't worth anything-are they? _

_To Jiraya they are, for he is a Dealer in Secrets, a Secret Pawnbroker, a Secret Keeper and this his job. Buying secrets, no matter how big or how small._

_So he travels around the world, setting up shop wherever he can and buying secrets from the locals. It's a simple system-you go to him and tell your story (with as much honesty as you can) and he will pay you afterwards with as much as he feels your secret is worth. A penny for lying to your mother, a hundred pounds for killing the mayor. _

_And then into the Black Book of Secrets your tale will go, and it will be saved forever. But no-one will know except you two. That is the beauty-he provides the relief of a secret told and he pays you for the privilege. The secret will be kept by him forever. _

_You are free to do as you wish with your secret, but whenever the Secret Pawnbroker comes to town, strange things seem to happen. Lies are uncovered, skeletons march out of your closets, corrupt businessmen have mysterious fishing accidents and the truth is finally told. Strange things, yes, but good always comes of the Secret Pawnbroker visiting your town. _

_You can't ask for him to visit, he comes and goes as he pleases. But if he sees a particular place so choked by the lies it's told that it's nearly dead then he'll come. No matter how far, his work will be done. _

_Why else do you think he's visiting Konoha?_

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"Ero-sennin, you can't catch me!" Raucous laughter rang out in the clear morning air, and the birds flew out of the nearby trees in astonishment at such a loud sound so early on a Monday.

A tall man with an enormous shock of white hair seemed to agree. "Naruto", he wheedled, in the voice of one who was most definitely drunk the night before "if you stick to the path I'll buy you _raaa-men..."_

_Ramen you say?_

Naruto (for it was he) was by the man's side in an instant. "Oh thankyouthankyouwonderfulnot-at-all-pervertedEro-senninnowwhencanwebuyitsoonright?"

The boy was more than a little fond of ramen, and Jiraya liked to use this to his advantage.

"Ah, Naruto, we'll be in Wind Country by nightfall and then it's only three days journey to Konoha and they make the best ramen in the world!" he said, ruffling the boy's hair.

"YAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYILOVEKONOHABELIVEIT! I can't wait to get there! Will you tell me all about it tonight, Jiraya-sensei?" Naruto had got slightly overexcited at the prospect of going to Konohagakure, the place that he and Jiraya both hailed from-but Naruto couldn't remember it at all, and Jiraya had left years ago. The boy was itching to get back and see his birthplace once again!

Jiraya was not, but he didn't show this. Instead he just laughed along with Naruto as they made a start on the long journey to Wind Country, which when they reached they would stop for the night at some random (hopefully non-druggie) inn in Sunagakure.

And if Naruto thought something was off about Jiraya, he didn't say so.

It was late when they finally reached Suna, and all Jiraya wanted to do was crawl into bed and die. Naruto, however, had other ideas.

"Pleeeeease can we get some ramen? Please?" he pleaded, making his bright blue eyes go very big and innocent, a look that worked on Jiraya every single time (much to his annoyance). So here they were, slurping ramen like there was no tomorrow-as Naruto often did-and taking advantage of the free chopsticks that the hotel provided.

"Jiraya-sensei, how many pairs of stolen hotel chopsticks do we have now?"

"Almost two hundred, Naruto-and counting! Oh yeah!"

But that was earlier, and now it was the middle of the night. Naruto had long since gone to sleep, his limbs splayed all over his bed and his snores reverberating around the room. In sleep he was quiet and peaceful. He was probably, Jiraya thought, dreaming about ramen. He smiled a little at that thought, but was soon consumed by his earlier, more melancholic thoughts. Why couldn't he just get to sleep like all the other normal people out there?

Outside his window the moon was very full and bright, bathing the small hotel bedroom in eerie silver lights. An owl hooted, and Jiraya turned this way and that, unable to drift off into the blissful land of slumber, where naked ladies came up and prostrated themselves before him, declaring that he was Colin, God of Sex and that they were his loyal subjects.

Soon after that they would all turn into gerbils, but that was beside the point. The point was that when Jiraya didn't dream, he thought...

_Am I mad to go back to Konoha? Probably. _

_I might not even be allowed in...Technically I'm a deserter, I took Naruto and left fifteen years ago, never looked back..._

_And look how far we've come. Those bloody villagers didn't want him all because of some stupid demon fox in his stomach-they were going to kill him! So I had to take him, even f he hadn't been Minato's son. _

_You'd have thought one of the other families would have offered to take him in, though? The Hyuuga are all stuck-up pricks and that won't have changed, but surely the Yamanakas or the Akimichis? No, they both had very young children...who would be Naruto's age! Aw, he'll have people to play with as Orochimaru wipes the floor with my dead body. _

_Oh God. Orochimaru. We parted on...less than friendly terms. Although calling him Sir Hiss on Viagra was perfectly valid, the slimy bastard. After all, he insulted my job first! Better make it up to him, haven't I, just so that I can set up shop? _

_The travellers said that Konoha was a web of lies and treachery since Orochimaru became Hokage, and it's my job to untangle these webs. If Konoha needs me, Konoha needs me and I will come running. It's the least I could do. _

_Besides, I've missed the old girl. I wonder if they still have that sex shop on the corner like they did when I was little? I hope I'm not still banned from entering it..._

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Once again it was early morning-the air was crisp, the birds were tweeting and the sky was as blue as a Smartie with no added chemicals. Our unlikely heroes were tramping along a worn dirt track that stretched as far as the eye could see. Beside it baby rabbits scampered into the waiting mouths of hungry foxes and wasps buzzed, stinging any unfortunate naturists who happened to pass by. Flowers grew, and weeds grew too and killed them. Such is the beauty of Nature.

It was the third day of their journey to Konoha from Suna, and having spent two terrifying days on a Suna Express coach with a crazy coachman who liked to fiddle with puppets, revealed that he was really the brother of the Kazekage, was only doing this as a punishment and had no concept of the word 'stop', Naruto and Jiraya were exceedingly glad to be on solid ground again.

However, this also meant that-

"Jiraya-sensei, tell me about Konoha! Believe it!"

-Naruto would bug him for details. And Jiraya didn't know what to say. How do you tell a fifteen-year old that the reason they haven't been back to their hometown in fifteen years is because a fair proportion of the villagers would stone them on sight?

"Please, Ero-sennin! You promised you would when we got off the HellCoach!"

_If _we got off the HellCoach. But he supposed the kid deserved to know. So Jiraya took a deep breath, and tried to begin.

"Well, um..."

Crickets chirped and Naruto just looked at him. "Ero-sennin, you aren't saying anything. That's odd, are you feeling okay? Maybe if I did a little dance up against this tree here..."

Argh! Jiraya promptly choked on his own thoughts and let out a yell. "No, no, that's absolutely fine, you really don't have to do any...dancing. I was just lost in my thoughts, that's all!"

"Are you sure you don't want me to dance, believe it?"

"Absolutely positive, Naruto!" Jiraya had even gone a little red, bless him.

Naruto just grinned and blew him a fake kiss. "Whatever ya say, Jiraya-_sama..._"

Oh, he had taught that boy far too well! And so the pair continued happily along the dusty path that led (eventually) to the gates of Konoha, both enjoying the sunlight and the happy sounds of Nature doing what it did best-killing things. Until...

"Jiraya-sensei, will you tell me about Konoha? If you don't I'll dance some more!"

"Damn you, brat!"

"Love ya really, believe it! So, what's Konoha like? Are the people friendly or just crazy?"

Jiraya supposed it couldn't help to simply answer his questions. It was only natural to be curious, after all. He pondered for a moment before answering, his forehead creasing in the bright sunlight.

"The inhabitants of Konohagakure" he said slowly "are a mixed bag of biscuits. Do you remember Kirigakure?"

Naruto nodded. Of course he did, they'd just come back from a very successful visit there. They had got several more books' worth of juicy secrets and Jiraya had helped many poor people. Oh, Naruto did enjoy his work! In his opinion he had the most important job-actually writing the secrets into the Black Book itself! He'd been doing it for just over a year, and was enjoying it greatly.

Jiraya carried on. "Well, they're not like that. The Kiri guys may have been kill-you-as-soon-as-look-at-you types but at least they were honest about it. Don't expect that in Konoha. The nicest people I know live there, but also the worst. And it's not like Iwa, where they're all lunatics but everything somehow works and everyone is happy to let their grandmas deck it out in a large vat of mud because it's easier than having a real justice system. Konoha is very complicated. You really get all sorts, Naruto."

"Aw, I liked the Iwa guys..."

"You only liked them because they offered to have sex with you, and you're far too young for that."

"But Jiraya-sensei, that was why _you _liked them, believe it!"

"True, true..." They had stayed in Iwa for a rather long time, funnily enough.

But Naruto had more questions at the ready. "So, Jiraya-sensei, will there be anybody my age there?"

Inwardly, the white-haired man groaned. Now he'd have to explain the whole demon-fox thing all over again...He sighed.

"Naruto, you know that you've got the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox sealed into your stomach, right?"

Naruto looked confused. "Yeah, that's why I eat so much-I'm scoffing for two! But Kyuubi wouldn't hurt anybody, right?"

"Not exactly. You see, fifteen years ago Kyuubi attacked Konoha and a lot of people were killed. My mother, for a start. There was terrible damage, but a man called Minato Namikaze-"

"Dad!"

"Yes, your father, he managed to defeat the Kyuubi by sealing it into his newborn son. I know you know that bit, but a lot of the inhabitants still harbour _a lot_ of resentment to Kyuubi, and by default you. They wanted to have you killed, Naruto. Now I couldn't just let that happen, so I took you with me a few days later and you became my cute little assistant! Admittedly it put my career on hold, but hey, I aim to help, do I not? Hey, are you okay?"

Naruto had gone very quiet. Jiraya stopped, and bent down to look him square in the eyes. "Naruto?"

The boy just looked miserable. "Were they really going to have me killed? I'm not that bad, believe it!"

"Aw, no, don't worry about that! That was directly after the Kyuubi attack-everyone was confused and upset and shocked, they'll have calmed down a lot now. Besides, loads of people were against it then, and I doubt anyone cares now. It's just-" his voice dropped lower and he put a hand on Naruto's shoulder-"you shouldn't expect everyone to be nice to you right away. This time, these people have history. You will have to earn their respect. It's just a warning-but I'm sure their kids will be nice!"

Naruto looked a bit more cheerful. "They have children too?"

Jiraya smiled. "Well, yeah! Your parents weren't the only ones getting busy at the time, ya know! Hmm, let me think...I know old Fugaku Uchiha has two boys, one of whom is definitely your age, and the Hyuuga twins have kids, pretty sure one's called Peji or Geji-something like that-and he was a _creepy_ baby...man, this is going way back...the Naras and the Akimichis both have boys, Inoichi Yamanaka has his two, Dei-something and a little girl, they're about your age, both blonde even then...um, I'm pretty sure Tsume Inuzuka had another kid or something..."

Naruto's eyes were wide-clearly his sensei Knew Everybody. And he would have friends to play pranks on, hooray! (Let it never be said that ninja did not read the Beano.)

It was true, Jiraya had known absolutely everybody in Konoha before he had left, and he had known Minato's friends very well. Lovely kids, the lot of them. It would be so strange going back and seeing them all grown-up with families of their own...

He looked at Naruto bounding along beside him and thought _yes, I have a family too. Take that, world! The Secret Keeper is not alone! _And then _it's you and me against the world, kiddo._

And as he always did, he checked in his inside pocket to make sure that his Black Book Of Secrets-the first one he was ever given by his mentor Sarutobi-was there, acting as a useful little good luck charm. He didn't want to think what would happen if he were to lose it...

"So, what's the big deal? I mean, if you know everybody and they like you, why are you worried about going back?"

Ack, stupid observant kid. Jiraya had hopend that they could avoid this question too.

"Well, do you remember I told you that the Hokage was my old team-mate Orochimaru?"

"Yup, the freaky snake-man!"

"Don't ever call him that! Anyway, before I left we had a...bit of an argument. I said he'd be a bad Hokage because he was basically Sir Hiss on Viagra-_don't repeat that either!_-, and he said I'd be a terrible Secret Keeper because all I cared about was sex and alcohol, and I left before we could really make amends."

_So as soon as we get to Konoha you're gonna get to see some of Jiraya's finest bootlicking skills in action, Naruto. Even if sex and alcohol was all that I really cared about at the time...Man's just jealous 'cos Akatsuki liked me but booted him out 'cos he blabbed..._

"But didn't we hear that he was a really nasty Hokage and that only really corrupt people wanted Konoha ninja for their missions now, believe it?"

"Yeah, but let's decide when we get there, yeah? It would be nice to go back and _not _be trying to sort out every single one of Konoha's governing bodies because the guys in charge are all paedophiles..."

And so the happy pair continued down the winding path of life, the sunlight glinting through their hair. There was a gentle, balmy breeze and butterflies flew past them, frolicking in golden fields. Around them the lush foliage that was second only to the jungles of Grass Country was teeming with life, bursting with the joys of youth and hope for the future.

They were hoping to find a happy Konoha, full of smiling friends and old relations.

It seems almost cruel to let them down, doesn't it?

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**Apologies, I know this totally sucks. Originally I wrote it for my sister to make her laugh, so expect a fanfic of **_**that **_**calibre. Sorry. -_-**

**Yes, the Secret Pawnbroker idea is nicked out of a book (called, incidentally, the Black Book of Secrets) but I'm doing different stuff with it. I personally think this is much cooler!**

**So they're all still ninja, it's just that Jiraya does the whole Secret Pawnbroker thing too. You'll see him in action in the next chapter. It's all good. I'm digging writing Naruto, he's not a character I often use but he's actually very fun to write! **

**See you next time, duckies!**

**-finally, apologies about the blatant Love Actually and Robin Hood references, I just couldn't resist!-**


	2. Chapter 2

The Black Book of Secrets

Chapter 2-Out of the Frying Pan...

They arrived at the gates of Konohagakure just as the sun was setting in the sky. It was all rather idyllic, actually-the sky was blazing orange and all the trees looked as if they were on fire. In such a light, you were unable to see the cracks in Konoha's walls.

Perhaps it would have been better if they had. But nevertheless, our duo was spellbound as they reached the village which they had so long been strangers to. Lush green scenery threatened to overflow and spill into the picturesque buildings and the Hokage Mountain (now complete with Orochimaru's ugly mug on it, thought Jiraya) completed the distinctive cityscape. They didn't see the dark alleys of downtown Konoha, the rubbish papers that littered the breeze, the falling-down houses urgently needing repair, or the monumental tower that Orochimaru was having built in honour of himself-of course.

They walked up to the gatekeeper, who was reading a copy of _Private Eye _and looking rather puzzled. Jiraya called out to him first.

"Greetings, friend! May we enter Konoha?"

_Pleeeeease nice Mr Gatekeeper man, you know you want to let us in..._

The man looked up. He had very strange spiky hair and looked glad of the distraction.

"Enter Konoha, eh? Well..." He grinned at them. "That all depends on who you are! We can't let just anybody in, not in these times. "

Jiraya and Naruto came forwards, eager to prove that they _weren't _evil mass-murdering missing-nin.

"This is Naruto Uzumaki and I'm Jiraya, you know, the Sannin. One of the three, anyway. Or the Toad Sage, call me what you like... "

The spiky-haired guard's eyes were wide. "Oh, so YOU'RE Jiraya! Man, I heard my parents talking about you but everyone thought you'd gone for good! Dude, this is awesome! Kotetsu-"he turned around, and called to his apparent companion. "Kotetsu, it's that old Sage guy and the Kyuubi kid! They're back, man!"

"What the hell? What have you been smoking this time, Izumo?" This, presumably, was Kotetsu. Izumo (for it was he) looked offended. "Nothing, you bastard! It's as true as Pythagoras, only truer 'cos they're alive!"

Ah, Izumo. What dazzling intellect. Kotetsu appeared to agree.

"Pythagoras only works for right-angled triangles, moron! What's to say this lot aren't obtuse? I mean, they may not even be triangles! What if they're rhomboids, eh? Didn't think of that now did you-"

Izumo buzzed them through the gates. "Welcome back, guys. And sorry about Kotetsu, he gets a little...tetchy when hasn't had sex for a few hours. Bye!"

"Er, bye..."

Jiraya and Naruto walked in silence for a few minutes, both trying to get the image of Kotetsu and Izumo having sex out of their respective heads.

"Jiraya-sensei, are all Konoha ninja that weird?"

"Honestly, Naruto? Yes. And you haven't even met Maito Gai yet."

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The sun had only just gone down but already the streets of Konoha were deserted. Not a soul graced the alleyways, not if they knew what was good for them. After hours, gangs of Orochimaru's Sound ninja stalked the streets, attacking all who got in their way to the local Dairy Queen.

Not that Konoha has a Dairy Queen, of course. It had a McDonalds, just like the rest of the known universe. The Sound guys hung out there.

But alas, out intrepid heroes were not to know this, and as they tramped down the familiar streets (even Naruto vaguely remembered Ichiraku Ramen) they got rather worried.

_It's a bloody ghost town! _

_Where are all the people? Normally this would be full of life...twilight is a ninja's busiest time of day; this street should be crowded..._

_Where are all the old shops? What happened to that cute little bar Tsunade and I used to go to right after missions? I loved that place...And where has the Academy gone? I swear it used to be right here, seriously. This is getting weird..._

_I hope that sex shop hasn't moved. _

Jiraya shivered at the sight of such a desolate Konoha, as did Naruto. They both felt in their bones that something was Not Very Right-but what to do?

Naruto looked a bit scared. "Jiraya-sensei, is Konoha meant to look like this?"

Jiraya sighed deeply, and his hair swayed a bit in the breeze. Figurative tumbleweed tumbled across the road in front of them.

"I don't know, Naruto, really I don't. So much has changed-I keep forgetting that fifteen years really isn't the same time difference as a few months...Ack, it's so weird!"

"It's creepy, believe it..."

"Yeah! I felt sure I would have run into one of my old friends before now, but...nobody. Anyway, carry on! We have to get to the shop tonight and who knows, maybe there'll be more people about in the morning. They'd better not all be in bed, the bastards!"

Naruto made a great show of thinking for a moment. "You know" he said very slowly, all the while pretending to stroke an imaginary moustache "there is only one possible explanation for this creepiness, Jiraya-sensei."

The white-haired man looked amused. "And what, pray tell, is that, O Great Thinker?"

"We've arrived in a town full of vampires, believe it! We're gonna DIIIEEEE! AAARGH! SAVE ME, OH GREAT SENSEI! I DON'T WANT TO BECOME ONE OF THE UNDEAD!"

"Oh har har har, very funny-but I'll have you know that I wouldn't put it past Orochimaru to turn into a vampire as part of his Quest for Immortality-"

_Fwooooosh_

They both spun round. "What was that?"

"Dunno, sounded like a chipmunk sneezing..."

_Fwooooosh _

"Okay, what? Naruto, can you see anything?"

"No!"

_Fwooooooooosh_

"I think it's getting nearer!"

"Yeah-nearer to us, believe it!"

_Fwooooooooooooosh_

"Aargh! I'm too pretty to die!"

"Naruto, we are ninja, we aren't going to die-"

"Yeah right, believe it! When was the last time we trained?"

"Well-"

And then a figure came sprinting out of the darkness.

"_What the hell are you doing outside at this time of night? Are you stupid or something? Don't you know what the Sound ninja do to morons like you? Follow me!"_

Jiraya and Naruto looked at each other.

_Fwooooooooosh_

"_Follow me! Kimmimaro's nearby- you'll be killed! God, why are men so stupid?"_

They followed her without a second thought.

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Perhaps taking our chances with the Mysterious Fwooshing Noise wouldn't have been so bad, Naruto thought as Evil Bossy Figure bossed them through yet another dark alleyway.

"Don't go there, dumbass! And stick to the shadows, single file! It's much safer! Hurry up, nearly there!"

Naruto edged up closer to Jiraya, who was scuttling along in front of him, his big white barnet sticking out like a sore thumb. "Jiraya-sensei" he whispered "where do ya think she's taking us? Will we make it out alive, believe it?"

Even in the darkness they could tell that Bossy was a girl, possibly Naruto's age.

"I'm not sure, Naruto-but if I'm very much mistaken she's kidnapped us both to be her devoted sex slaves and we will be forced to cook, clean and wear fairy princess outfits-"

"Hey! No talking, nitwits! Do you want them to hear us?"

Naruto and Jiraya exchanged guilty glances. _Ooopsies!_

After trudging through what felt like a million filthy little alleyways (but was in fact three) Evil Bossy Figure gave a cry of relief.

"Yes! We're back! Daddy, I brought visitors!"

Eh?

And then they left the final alleyway and stepped into the light of an old door that Bossy seemed to know and that Jiraya thought he knew from somewhere, but he couldn't quite place. In the half- light they could see that she was not an evil monster come to kill them all but a slim girl with very long blonde hair who must have been about Naruto's age. She was wearing purple and had a look of extreme relief on her face.

And in the back of Jiraya's mind, a name was whispered. _Ino...this is Ino. Remember her? Oh, but she was just a few months old..._

Ino, for it was she, knocked on the dilapidated old door without looking at her impromptu guests.

"Daddy! Daddy, I'm back! I found the morons in time!"

And the door opened (still painted purple after all these years, Jiraya vaguely noted, but he didn't quite remember why), light spilling out into the murky street in the manner of someone cracking an egg. Framed in the doorway, a man was lit up like a god.

"Ino? For God's sake, come inside...wait a minute. Jiraya? Is that you? What on Earth?"

But Jiraya beat the man to the punch. "Inoichi!" he cried, going up to the other man and smothering him in a great big bear-hug. "I knew it was you as soon as I saw Ino!"

"What, Jiraya-sensei, is going on, believe it?"

"Daddy, who are these people? Do you know why they're such morons?"

"Oh my God, it is you! You really remember Ino? She doesn't look like a baby anymore, you know..."

"I have a fantastic memory for people's children, Inoichi!"

"Bloody hell, you'd better get inside...Ino, could you show our guests to the kitchen please? It's warmest in there..."

"Jiraya-sensei, I don't get it, believe it! What in the holy name of ramen is going on?!"

"Shush, idiot! The Sound ninja may still hear us!"

"Shut up, Bossy!"

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Once they were all inside, Naruto could get a good look at these strange, bossy people for the first time. The girl (Ino, right?) had long hair the colour of buttermilk and would have been rather attractive if she were considerably less bossy. Still, Naruto reasoned, hair that long had excellent prank potential...

And the man whom Jiraya seemed to know so well (indeed, they were still hugging) and who was apparently Ino's father-he had very long hair too. Very long, but a darker blonde. Much shorter than Jiraya-sensei, Naruto mused. He was good-looking too, although he currently looked _exceedingly _worn out.

"My God, Inoichi! How skinny have you gotten? You're a bag of bones!"

"I guess so, but no-one's had much food to eat recently-even Chouza's lost weight..."

"REALLY? I think you need to inform me of Konoha's current economic situation, young man..."

"No, no, please sit down first...I'll just get another chair...sorry, we're not really set up for visitors at the moment, and all our things are in the shop..."

The blonde man left to get a chair for Naruto, whom he had actually noticed. Ino, it appeared had gone off somewhere. Jiraya was grinning like a maniac, his smile threatening to split his face in half. And Naruto was getting very annoyed.

"Jiraya-sensei, who are they?"

Jiraya didn't stop smiling. "Ah, Naruto, Inoichi Yamanaka is an old friend! He was a very good friend of your father's when they were growing up and I've always known him, you know. Most of that generation have children your age, and he has Ino. And another one, I think..."

Inoichi reappeared in the doorway holding a battered-looking chair.

"Sorry, sorry about that" he mumbled, his handsome features gaunt and tired-looking. "Here's a chair for you...Naruto? That is your name, I hope? Sorry if I've got it wrong, it's been a long day..."

Naruto took the chair from the older man. "Nah, it's okay. And Naruto Uzumaki's the name, glad you remembered it! Ta for the chair, believe it!"

He plonked down into said chair, as did Jiraya (who managed to nab a comfy-looking chintz armchair, the bastard). Inoichi remained standing.

"Um, would you like some tea? I'm afraid we don't have any milk..."

"Nah, nah, it's ok. We ate earlier" Jiraya replied, cutting across Naruto (who looked like he wanted some tea and hopefully some ramen very much.)

"No, no-you must be hungry! How far have you travelled today? Of course I'll make you tea..."

And so Inoichi bustled about in his kitchen, ponytail swaying as he moved. Meanwhile, Jiraya took a good hard look at his surroundings. Inoichi, he thought, looked far too skinny, extremely tired and thoroughly miserable. His eyes no longer sparkled and his golden hair had lost the shine of his youth-and Jiraya wasn't putting it simply down to age! Something was wrong with the man.

Even the house looked tired, he thought. The furniture was old and worn, with a thousand kunai marks in the table alone. On the walls the canary yellow paint was peeling, and the carpet was threadbare. There were a few rugs, but they were worn out too. A window-pane was cracked and the only decorations in the room were a few photographs and some bunches of wild flowers. All in all, it looked like Inoichi was just barely scraping a living. But surely there were enough missions to go around? He was certainly a very competent ninja, and there was _always _work for mind-readers...

Suddenly, the sound of raised voices came from above them.

"_At least come downstairs and say hello, you moron!"_

"_No way, un! Now get out of my room, yeah!"_

"_NO! As your little sister I am entitled to certain privileges that happen to include..."_

Inoichi looked up and sighed softly. "It's just Deidara and Ino again" he murmured to the pair, who looked slightly scared. "No need to worry, they do this all the time. They'll be down in a minute. You know-"Inoichi carried on, his voice rising slightly as he poured the boiling liquid into two cups "-Deidara was the one who saw you guys. He spotted your hair from his window, Jiraya-san, so we sent Ino out to get you before the Sound ninja did. What were you doing out there anyway?"

Jiraya and Naruto gratefully accepted the steaming cups of green tea. "Well, we arrived in Konoha as the sun was setting so-"

But his fascinating tale was interrupted by a triumphant cry from the doorway.

"Brought him down, Daddy! Now, Deidei-can we say hello to the nice new people or are we far too sulky to even look at them? Aww, look at Mr Grumpykins..."

"Shut up, yeah. You don't have to be bossy _and _rude..."

"Now now you two, be nice-Deidara, this is Jiraya-san and Naruto Uzumaki-san, and they'll probably be staying the night. Ino got to them just in time!"

In the doorway slouched a figure that Jiraya had last seen swinging on Hizashi Hyuuga's ponytail like it was a merry-go-round fifteen years ago. Oh, how time flies...The Deidara of today was very different, and Naruto's mouth hung open slightly.

For a start, he was very, very pretty. Not ooh-look-at-me pretty, but properly beautiful. His hair was the same length as Ino's but a darker, more golden blonde like his father's. There was a lot of it, and half of it was pulled up into an elegantly messy topknot, with a large chunk serving as a very concealing fringe for the entire left side of his face. A bright blue eye, darkly outlined and curiously slanted, glared out at them from a truly lovely face. High cheekbones, a perfect nose and a plump, pink mouth-the lot. His skin was darker than Ino's as well-he really did look a lot like Inoichi, but with a hint of something else-and he was very slim.

His hips, Naruto noticed, were surprisingly well developed for a guy. And he wasn't massively tall either. That definitely made Naruto feel better!

Jiraya stood up and moved towards the teen, hand extended. "Hello, Deidara-it's been so long since I last saw you! Why, you were just two years old..."

But Deidara had backed away almost immediately. "Sorry, yeah, but I don't shake hands. Nice to meet you though, un. I saw your hair through my window-hey, what? Aw, don't look at me like that, Dad, you _know _I'm not being rude..."

Jiraya looked rather confused, but Inoichi was wearing the classical you-kids-exasperate-me look, fully directed at his seventeen-year old son. "I know you're not being rude when you don't shake hands, but _Jiraya-san doesn't, _and he's our guest, as is Naruto-san! What must he think of you? And Ino, stop giggling! It's not at all funny!"

In all fairness, Naruto was giggling just as much as Ino, even though he didn't quite get the joke. Ino had almost fallen off her chair in silent laughter.

"Ack...haha...Sorry, Daddy...hahaha..."

Deidara just looked annoyed. "Dad, I really don't think explaining to these guys why I can't shake hands would be appropriate, un, and I have loads of stuff to do so if you would just let me say hello and then go, yeah-"

"No, you will be polite, apologise to Jiraya and Naruto-san, and then go and get some biscuits from the store cupboard! Then you may scuttle off and be slummy, young man!"

"Thanks, yeah!" Deidara dashed off to what was probably not the store cupboard. Inoichi just shook his head.

Naruto, however, was curious about something. "So, um...Mr Inoichi, why can't Deidara shake hands? Does he have diahorrea?"

Inoichi chuckled slightly. "Just call me Inoichi, Naruto-san. And no, Deidara doesn't have diahorrea-he just has mouths on the palms of his hands. Ergo, shaking hands is never the best of ideas. We've had quite a few embarrassing incidents!"

Well, Naruto wasn't expecting _that. _

"What? But he wasn't born with those, was he?" This was from Jiraya, who had presumably been thinking along the lines of Naruto's diahorrea theory. "That's not possible, right?"

Inoichi shook his head. "No, he wasn't born with them-they developed as he got older. I assure you that teething with four sets of teeth was not pretty!"

"FOUR?"

"Oh, he has another one on his chest, apparently it's some crazy Iwagakure bloodline limit on his mother's side, but as my wife died thirteen years ago I never got the opportunity to ask her..."

Ino interjected here. "Daddy raised us all by himself, you know. That's why Dei's such a mess. I hope you know he hasn't gone to get those biscuits!"

"Now, Ino-be nice about your brother, he's just having a bit of a difficult time at the moment" Inoichi murmured once again. "I think it's the lack of ANBU work that's driving him crazy. Working in the shop doesn't really compare..."

"Well, I enjoy it!" This came from Ino, who enjoyed asking random male customers to help her 'remove a thorn or two.' Small pleasures, people!

Jiraya looked thoughtful for a minute, and then spoke. "Inoichi?"

"Hm? Oh, would you like any more tea? We still have some left..."

"No thank you, you have it. Now, if it's not too much trouble to you I'd like very much to know some more about the current state of Konoha-purely for my work, you understand. I hope it wouldn't take up much of your time, but I'm sure you're just the man to answer my questions..."

Both Naruto and Ino looked ready to fall asleep right there and then. Inoichi, noticing this, asked Ino to show the boy to their spare room before answering Jiraya. On the way up, Jiraya was pleased to hear that Naruto wasn't calling Ino 'Bossy' any more.

"So, Ino-chan, are there any guys around here who won't mind if I prank their asses off, believe it?"

"You play pranks? Well, I'd better warn you that everyone around here's pretty uptight-don't go for Sasuke or Shino or one of those guys or you'll be dead but if you want to prank Sakura Haruno that's fine by me..."

Both Jiraya and Inoichi smiled. "It's good to see you again, Jiraya. And I'm impressed with Naruto, I must say. You've raised him wonderfully."

The older man chuckled. "Just wait 'til you get to know the kid! He's crazy-but it's no more than you've done, Inoichi. So, about Konoha?"

"Oh, yes-sorry!" Inoichi promptly flopped down into Naruto's recently vacated chair, tea in hand. "Ask away."

"We-el..."

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_Jiraya and Inoichi talked long into the night. _

_Firstly, Inoichi explained that absolutely no-one in Konoha went out after dark because that was the time that Orochimaru's Sound minions-one of the most fearsome being a Kaguya named Kimmimaro, who had apparently almost spotted Jiraya and Naruto-came out to play, killing all who got in their way. Many young Konoha ninja had been lost before the streets had been cleared. They were Orochimaru's personal bodyguards and no-one dared question their behaviour except a few highly outspoken ninja, Tsume Inuzuka included. Needless to say it hadn't ended well. _

_Next he told Jiraya about the lack of missions-a terrible thing in any ninja village. The strange thing was that there wasn't a lack of missions per say, Konoha still had clients. However, Orochimaru gave all the best missions to his Sound ninja, who were often far less able than their Konoha counterparts. Ergo, not enough Konoha Genin and Chuunin went out on missions to gain experience, older ninja couldn't make any real money and the ANBU were going stir-crazy. _

_Deidara, he said, had been accepted into a specialist ANBU team three years ago, and now worked in a cell that was captained by Itachi Uchiha, who was a lovely boy despite appearances. _

_Both had the same problem. Orochimaru simply refused to send them on missions longer than a single day, severely limiting the amount of work they could do. Nowadays Orochimaru used them mainly as his personal guards. Other ANBU members were still sent on proper missions, but only the really experienced ones got any money from it, as Orochimaru had cut pay rates right down to fund the building of his new Monument to Himself. _

_And he had raised taxes on everything. Inoichi looked thoroughly miserable as he said this. As there had been so little ninja work for the past five years, he explained, many people had set up shops. Briefly Konoha had flourished, but recently Orochimaru had raised building and premises taxes for all the buildings in Konoha, and the import and export tariff prices had rocketed. People stopped buying goods and many shops had to close down immediately. _

_Konoha had gone into recession, but Orochimaru refused to realise this. Still the taxes climbed, and everyone became poorer and poorer. Crime rates increased and people tried to leave but weren't allowed, by order of the Hokage. Many people had lost their homes-Shikato Nara and his family had had to sell their house and move to their cabin in the woods because they were having to produce twice as much deer just to break even! All but one of the Akimichi family restaurants had closed down, and staff levels in the Hospital were at an all-time low. People weren't buying flowers any more, he said with a sigh, and it's just me and Shizune left in the morgue now. Everyone else has been laid off. The Uchihas are furious over the Hokage's decision to build his tower on their land without asking them beforehand, but what can they do? Only the Hyuuga seemed to be safe, but that was only because Hiashi Hyuuga-Inoichi scowled here, he and Hiashi had never really got along-had done some serious sucking-up. The Aburames were furious about the disregard of their skills, and were refusing to go on any more missions. Tsume Inuzuka was still in hospital after being reprimanded for voicing her thoughts on Orochimaru's new regime (again) and Konoha's kennels were looking pretty threadbare as a result of this. _

_It's all gone so wrong, and the Hokage doesn't seem to care. Oh, but there's more, Inoichi then said, his face becoming black with anger. This I really don't like. _

_Orochimaru has always wanted to know all the jutsu in the world, correct? Well, he devised this hideous...thing that showed him the possible bloodline limits of everyone in Konoha. And if they looked interesting, he...experimented. _

_That's really why Deidara has those mouths. It was a rare bloodline limit on his mother's side, but luckily Ino doesn't have the right chakra type to facilitate them-ergo, he's the first person to have them in almost a century, even in Iwa-and they wouldn't have developed had Orochimaru not noticed the potential with his...thing. He forced them to develop, and then he realised that wait, Deidara has two bloodline limits! So he experimented with the Yamanaka mind-control genes and it almost killed him. The bastard almost killed my son! And for what? _

_He did the same to the other clans. Both of the Uchiha boys had their Sharingans forced out far too early-they hadn't even finished developing, and Itachi's one is so messed up he can barely use it any more, according to Dei. Chouji Akimichi is now in almost constant pain from an experiment gone wrong. A lot of the younger Hyuugas have had their Byakugans meddled with in order to create new bloodline limits, and I'm not even going to start on the strangely mutilated bodies I've seen in the morgue..._

_Konoha's not happy, Jiraya. You're right to come back, but if you're offering people false hope then it'll crush them. Things need to be done, and I hope to God you're the man to do them. _

_---------------------------------------------------------------------------_

The morning dawned bright and early (as morning often does) onto Konoha, the pleasant yellow light casting a happy glow over the beleaguered city.

But all the sun in the world couldn't disguise the drab grey buildings, the falling down walls and the enormous building site right in the middle of the Uchiha compound. Ouch.

Not everyone, however, were being such gloomy bunnies.

"It's a beautiful day, Jiraya-sensei-wake up and smell the smell of toast with ramen!" One young blonde clothed in nought but bright orange boxers was jumping up and down on the bed of his long-suffering mentor. "Me and Ino made breakfast, and it _smells _great, believe it!"

Blearily, Jiraya opened his eyes. "Naruto, what have we said about _never under any circumstances _disturbing me in the morning, no matter how much you may want ramen?

Naruto continued to jump on Jiraya's chest. "That doesn't include TOAST AND RAMEN!"

Fortunately Ino appeared at that very moment, also in her pyjamas. "Oi, Naruto, if you don't hurry up the toast will burn and we'll have to start all over again! Come on, moron!"

"Ah, crap-gotta go, my ramen needs me! Bye Sensei, enjoy your hangover!"

Both fifteen-year olds ran giggling down the corridor. It was clearly the start of a beautiful friendship...The white-haired man groaned and sat up. Why mornings had to start so early he really didn't know...

But as Jiraya glanced out of the open window a cheering sight met his eyes. As if to restore his faith in humanity, the inhabitants of Konoha had taken to the streets and the place was crowded, happy laughing people making the most of the sunshine. In the crowds he spotted a few familiar faces-that surely must be Kakashi Hatake, no-one else had hair like that, and the speedy green blur was undoubtedly Maito Gai. Furthermore, it was market day and Chouza Akimichi was wandering from stall to stall with his son and Shikato's (or what appeared to be a tiny version of the man-who knows, perhaps he'd shrunk since Jiraya last saw him?). For the first time in fifteen years, Jiraya saw what he'd yearned to see for _so long_-a happy Konoha.

After a thoroughly rambunctious breakfast, during which much ramen and toast was consumed and at which Deidara was curiously absent, Naruto and Jiraya bid the Yamanakas a fond farewell (with the promise of another visit very soon) and began the journey to their new home.

People milled around them, many being surprised to see the great Toad Sage back after fifteen long years, and those who remembered just why he left being even more astonished.

"Hey, is that Jiraya?"

"Wow, it's the Toad Sage and the Kyuubi kid!"

"Who?!"

And of course they met some old friends. Maito Gai (who had been running around Konoha with his youthful young student, Rock Lee) came up to greet them almost immediately.

"Yosh! It is so simply youthful to see you again, Jiraya-sama! Oh, it has been so long!" he had cried, clasping Jiraya's hand with tears streaming down his cheeks. Lee had introduced himself to Naruto in a similar fashion.

"Greetings, fellow purveyor of youth! Welcome to Konoha! I trust you are youthful?"

"Believe it?" Naruto idly noticed that in the sunlight, Lee looked like a giant shamrock. If shamrocks could actually have enormous eyebrows, anyway. Hmm,_ that's_ a puzzler...

They carried on; the warming sun making everything somehow feel better, despite what Jiraya had been told last night. Still...

"Naruto?"

"That's my name, don't wear it out!"

"Expect a lot of secrets. I think we'll be up most nights, kiddo."

"Aw, maaan...Who are we starting with, Gai and Lee?"

"Not quite, fool. We'll start asking people in a few days' time. That gives us time to ingratiate ourselves with the locals! Don't want them telling on us to Orochimaru, do we?"

"No way, believe it!" That had happened once before in Red Bean Jam Country-never again. They had been forced to fight their way out, battling furiously with angry locals wielding pots of, uh, Red Bean Jam. Naruto still had flashbacks.

Eventually they arrived at what was to be their new home. It was a dilapidated old building, clearly once painted pink and at the corner of Konoha's main street. Jiraya looked overjoyed when he saw it, but Naruto, who had edged closer to read some of the slogans still emblazoned onto the window, looked concerned.

"Jiraya-sensei, what...?"

Jiraya just beamed some more. "Yes, Naruto-welcome to what used to be Konoha's premium sex shop, Come Come Merchandise! Ah, I used to work here when I was a lad, so I asked ahead and bought it so we could use it for our pawnbroker cover! Now come on, with any luck they've left some old merchandise inside!"

With that Jiraya raced inside. "First stage, paint it yellow and find the rubber boobies!"

Naruto just sighed. Jiraya-sensei was impossible sometimes.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Cor, check out the size of these condoms, believe it! Who actually has a penis that big?"

"Well, actually-"

"That was rhetorical, Jiraya-sensei!"

They had been clearing out the shop front for almost an hour and had made some headway with the very large stack of boxes the proprietors had so kindly left behind, although Naruto got the sinking feeling that most of the stuff they had binned would mysteriously find its way back into Jiraya-sensei's bedroom...

It was dusty, tiring and thoroughly embarrassing (to Naruto, who _hadn't_ actually known what anal beads were before today) work, but at least they had made some progress. And they were elbow-deep in their fifteenth Box of Porn when someone knocked at the door.

"Aw man, we were just beginning to see the floor..."

"Never mind-maybe our visitors could help?"

But then they opened the door and decided almost immediately that no, these were _not _the sort of visitors that would help you sort through a box of flavoured dildos. Outside stood two stern-looking ANBU ninja, complete with bone breastplates and animal masks.

They stood looking at each other for a few seconds-and then the shorter of the two ANBU collapsed in laughter, pointing rather rudely at Jiraya (who happened to be wearing a pair of rubber breasts) and Naruto, who had fallen into a box of condoms and had got them in his hair.

"Oh my gawd, yeah! That is bloody hilarious! Hah, look at you two, yeah! You look like extras in an AVN Awards Ceremony production that got lost in the dressing room, un!

The other ANBU just scowled (or sounded like he was, anyway.) "That is hardly an appropriate comparison, Salamander. Please stop laughing in such a raucous fashion-you're attracting undue attention to yourself."

"Shut up, Misery Guts! Just 'cos you've never seen a porno doesn't mean you don't find this funny, yeah! I can see your shoulders twitching, un!"

Jiraya and Naruto sighed in relief. Unless they were very much mistaken, the ANBU member with the long blonde hair was Deidara Yamanaka and the other, Jiraya guessed, was Itachi Uchiha himself. He had talked in exactly the same monotone when he was five, you know-(having been a very serious child, it didn't look like much had changed.)

Itachi-or Weasel, as he was known in ANBU circles-stepped forward. "Jiraya-san and Naruto Uzumaki-san are hereby summoned to Hokage Tower for a private meeting, by order of Orochimaru-sama, the Yondaime Hokage. We have been requested to bring you immediately."

Deidara had recovered from his laughing fit. "Yeah, Orrie wants to see you, un. You might want to remove the breasts though."

Itachi stiffened. "Do not talk about Orochimaru-sama so lightly!" he hissed at the blonde. "You know full well what he would do if he were to find out..."

But Deidara just shrugged him off. "Can you two jump, yeah?" he asked Jiraya and Naruto idly. Both nodded, Naruto still removing condoms from his blonde barnet.

"Of course, believe it! We are strong, capable ninja who-"

"Good." Both ANBU nodded at once at then set off across the rooftops at a lightning pace that only the speediest hedgehog in Konoha could have kept up with. Jiraya and Naruto both blanched slightly, and then set off after Itachi and Deidara as fast as their legs would carry them, panting all the way.

What? When you're busy listening to people's secrets you don't have time to train! And so it was that our intrepid heroes collapsed into Orochimaru's office a few minutes later (Itachi and Deidara having arrived a while ago and were standing around making a great show of tutting at the two, and checking their imaginary watches) exhausted and out of breath.

Orochimaru, who was seated at a _very _large desk, watched all this with keen yellow eyes.

"My my, Jiraya-it has been a long time. But do you know what? I think you've gotten fat. Mainly on your ssstomach, though-your legsss aren't too bad yet..."

Jiraya groaned and tried to remember why he had _ever_ thought coming back to Konoha would be a good idea.

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**...And this is, at time of writing, my longest chapter ever. Whoopee doo! Apologies for all the blatant references, once again I must stress that I own nothing. **

**Private Eye is a wonderfully sarcastic English magazine that would indeed confuse Izumo, Pythagoras belongs to Pythagoras and no-one else, McDonalds and Dairy Queen are not mine, ditto with the AVN (Adult Video Network) although I'm sure Jiraya would like to own it. And I know there's too much Deidara in this chapter-sorry, but he's important. Red Bean Jam Country is an actual place in Naruto-I believe that secretly Zetsu is the king of it, with all the weevils from Torchwood as his subjects. **

**Sorry that it's so long and angsty, but all this stuff needs to be out of the way before we can move on to the real story. At least we got to see Inoichi's mad parenting skills! I like that family way too much...**

**LASTLY: I AM SORRY FOR HURTING CHOUJI! IT JUST SLIPPED OUT! **

**NEXT CHAPTER-****Jiraya and Naruto's meeting with Sir Hiss, the setting up of the shop and a bit more of Itachi and Deidara, joy of joys...**

**See you then!**


	3. Chapter 3

The Black Book of Secrets

Chapter 3-Proverbial Fires

"...and you really_ have _let your hair go to ssseed, Fatty..."

Oh God. How had Jiraya forgotten this most integral part of Orochimaru? The endless criticisms, sharp comments and sarcastic replies that had made his life and Tsunade's complete and utter miseries. For example-

"_Oh, Tsunade, do you really think you have a large enough bust to wear that dress? You might want to reconsider..."_

"_Look Jiraya, we know you mean well but perhaps you should let a more...capable ninja handle this? You might find it a bit tricky..."_

"_I'm highly doubtful as to the continued existence of intelligent life in any form after spending merely a few minutes in your company, you idiot slob!"_

Bastard.

What gave him the right to make fat jokes anyway, huh? He wasn't looking so trim himself, the lily-livered yellow-bellied clog-wearing weasel-sneezing hypocrite! Jiraya continued insulting his former teammate for several minutes, each time using a different animal and a different part of the human body.

He had conveniently forgotten his main goal-to placate Orochimaru long enough to distribute his new Stack O' Porn to the youth of Konoha. Fortunately, the only tween in the room reminded him.

"Jiraya-sensei? Are you all right, believe it?" Naruto had seen his beloved Jiraya-sensei go through many stages, but the crazy-psycho-muttering-randomly-about-aardvarks period was not one of them. Well, we live and learn.

"Jiraya-sensei, the Hokage is _talking to you!_"

And then Jiraya looked at Itachi and Deidara, standing stiffly to attention behind Orochimaru, all traces of their earlier camaraderie gone. They look fucking scared, he thought, and was promptly reminded of what he was even doing in Konoha to begin with. The porn thing was just an added extra, really...

Sucking in his gut and drawing himself to his full height, Jiraya smiled a wicked smile.

"Well, Orochimaru-where do we start?"

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_In his head, Orochimaru, the Yondaime Hokage of Konohagakure, was glaring his big white ass off. _

_How dare Jiraya simply come marching back to Konoha as if everything was absolutely hunky-dorky? HOW DARE HE?! Did he not remember anything? How he had crushed his feelings when Jiraya, Moron of All Morons, had been accepted by the Leader of the Secret Keeper's Association when Orochimaru had been so rudely dismissed?_

_How he had insulted Orochimaru's acceptance of the title of Hokage, a decision that was made with his full consent? _

_How he had just upped and left, leaving as if he cared not one whit for Konoha and leaving Orochimaru to deal with the aftermath of the Kyuubi attack with only one Sannin and a handful of still-recovering ninja? _

_How he had foolishly brought the Kyuubi boy back to the scene of the tragedy, just when relations in Konoha were at its most tense?_

_But on the outside Orochimaru continued to smile a wicked smile._

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"Well, Orochimaru-where do we start?" Jiraya's smile was sickly sweet.

"We ssstart with your return to Konoha, Fatty." So was Orochimaru's. "Pleassse could you sspecify the exact reassons for yoursss and-uh-_Naruto's _visit?"

"To be honest, honey, we were just visiting to set up our pawnbrokers shop and to see a few old friends, you know, Maito Gai and the like...Nothing in the ways of Secret Keeping, if that's what you're thinking. After all, what secrets could a town as wonderful as Konoha possibly have? I'm sure it doesn't need me..." Still Jiraya continued to beam painfully.

Orochimaru didn't look impressed. "Am I really to believe that you, a Ssssecret Pawnbroker, has come to his old village merely to ssshow a jinchuuriki the sightsss? I am not a fool, Jiraya, and I _will _have you thrown out of the village if you ssshow any inclination towards Sssecret Keeping..."

The taller man looked annoyed. "But why would I? I came to Konoha specifically to make amends for my earlier behaviour, which I now see was rash and unprovoked!"

_Pleasebuyitpleasebuyitpleasebuyityoustupidlittlesnakemanohgodpleasebuyitawmanhe'snotbuyingitgoonyoustupidbastardservesyourightthati'mhereanyway..._

At this, Orochimaru looked mildly surprised. Jiraya had a certain reputation-to never apologise for anything whatsoever. The pale man seriously doubted that he had turned over a good leaf just for him, no matter how flattering the thought may have been. He really wasn't _that _stupid.

Both men had carried on smiling. "Itachi-kun, Deidara-kun, would you pleassse escort Naruto-kun out of the room? Feel free to wait outside, but Jiraya-chan and I have sssome things we need to...discusss. If anyone comes, tell them I am bussssssssy...."

And so Naruto Uzumaki was unceremoniously flung out of the door, where he landed heavily on his bottom, shattering his coxsits in the process.

Or not. Needless to say, it did hurt.

"Bloody hell, believe it! What happened to a little love and compassion?"

Jiraya and Orochimaru ignored him.

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Outside, Naruto watched in awe as two clearly senior ANBU members tried desperately to see through the World's Smallest Keyhole. Key Word: Tried.

"Hey hey, move over! I'm trying to see, un!"

"Well if_ someone_ didn't have such big hair there'd easily be enough room!"

"Are you blaming my hair, yeah? Bitch!"

"Pot, kettle, black...screw this, I'm trying my Sharingan..."

And suddenly Deidara looked very concerned. He whipped round to face Itachi, who was in the process of removing his mask. "No way, yeah. You are not using that thing-remember what happened last time, un? We were lucky to make it out with all our limbs, yeah!"

Itachi just glared at him, his eyes beginning to swirl red. Naruto, who had never seen a Sharingan in action before and had been all but forgotten, sneaked forward. "And remember what happened the time you tried to use Shintenshin No Jutsu?" His voice was like acid, burning the skin.

Deidara simply glared back, now also devoid of his mask. His single blue eye was a stark contrast to Itachi's swirling pupils. "That was completely different, un, so don't compare. And you know full well what will happen if you use that thing, yeah! It's evil!"

"No, you just don't understand it-that's all!" Itachi placed his eye to the keyhole and braced himself. Meanwhile, Deidara's expression had grown sour, and his hands were firmly on his hips. "So that's what it is, yeah. I should have known. Always it comes down to my apparent lack of knowledge, un, absolutely-bloody-always! First I'm too young and don't know enough to make you happy, then I'm too dense and don't know the ways of the world, then I just-"

He was cut off by a short cry from Itachi.

"Aaargh! Shit!" The taller man stumbled back, clutching his eye. From between his fingers gushed rivers of blood, staining his gloves like an unruly waterfall. Deidara was in front of him in an instant, gently dabbing at his apparent wound with a piece of bandage.

"Ow, fucking shit, I _knew _that would happen-fucking Sharingan, might as well rip out my eyes for all the goddamn trouble they cause..."

Slowly Deidara prized Itachi's bloody hand away from his face. "There there, yeah, it's not that bad, just a little spurt..."

Itachi looked incredulous (or as incredulous as a man with blood all over his nose could manage.)

"Not that bad? You still have two working eyes, you can't talk!" He had staggered into a nearby chair, and Deidara had followed him, still gently cleaning his wound. They were, Naruto noticed, very close. Very close indeed-and he was pretty sure he meant it in both senses.

Both ninja continued to ignore Naruto. "Maybe, yeah, but at least you have a working mind. Remember that next time you use your Sharingarse, un!"

And Naruto just looked at two of the most ridiculous ninja he had ever met in his life, promptly deciding to ask a question that had been on his mind for quite a while.

"So, right" the younger boy ventured, hopping off his chair and walking over to the pair "are you two like together or what?"

Two very contemptuous faces greeted his question. "What made you say that, Uzumaki-kun?" Itachi's cold voice sent shivers down Naruto's spine, but he replied.

"Well, it's just that you guys bicker like an old married couple and just now you totally said that you were once-"

"We don't date." The voices of both ninja cut through Naruto like a knife. God, why were these people so touchy?

"Oh, so it's a secret romance, believe it? Aw man, are there family issues? Sorry you guys, that really sucks..."

Itachi and Deidara looked absolutely furious...and slightly sad? "There's nothing that sucks, yeah, 'cos there's no secret romance. We don't date anybody. End of story, un. So stop prying into other people's business, kid!"

And now Naruto looked thoroughly confused. "Jeez, you aren't so cool anymore, believe it! You were cool earlier with the rubber boobies and with the biscuit thing last night but now you're just-"

_WHAM! _

The force of Deidara's kick slammed Naruto into the opposite wall with such force that the wall itself shattered and plaster fell from the ceiling.

"What...on...earth, believe it? Urgh, what the hell was that for? Dude, you have _issues..._"

Naruto lay in a heap at the bottom of the dented wall, but looked up in time to see Deidara's lovely face just millimetres from his own. He was wearing a truly crazed smile that stretched all the way across his face and lit up his eyes in the most frightening of ways. Is this what he meant when he said his mind was broken, Naruto wondered? And then his next thought; Oh shit. I'm doomed. Madmen always have the upper hand in these situations.

"If I were you, un..." Deidara whispered positively venomously "I'd make sure you and your precious Jiraya-sensei kept _very _quiet about everything that's happened so far, yeah, or your head be it. It's your choice, kid, so think about it, un."

With that The World's Craziest Blonde turned and stalked back to Itachi, who immediately reprimanded him for his behaviour. Some things never change. And it was just as Naruto was picking himself up from the remains of the poor abused wall, the door to the Hokage's office was opened by Jiraya himself and Naruto was ordered to be escorted back in.

Once inside, a very amusing sight met his eyes. Orochimaru had broken out his pink china tea set and it appeared that he and Jiraya had been nibbling buns together in a thoroughly civilised manner. Even the teacups had been filled and subsequently emptied by the Great Stomach that was Jiraya.

Both men smiled at him as he entered. So far so good...Itachi and Psycho Blonde, he noted, had resumed their normal positions behind Orochimaru's desk immediately, and Naruto immediately resolved never to anger another ANBU member (those two included!) ever again. He was-in his opinion-far too pretty to die.

Jiraya looked up from his cream puff to greet him. "Hey, Naruto, did you have fun with Itachi and Deidara? We thought we heard a crash from out there, but I'm sure that wasn't you three..."

Naruto tried to nod, really he did, but Jiraya had already moved on to his next question. "Would you like a cream puff?"

The answering rumble of Naruto's stomach was all the encouragement the boy needed to grab a plate and stuff three puffs into his mouth at once. "Ourghflorgh...thos'gurgh yurgl thunks!"

Jiraya simply laughed at his student and even Orochimaru cracked a smile. Monster Freakzoids 1 and 2 had replaced their masks, so who knew what they were thinking?

Nonetheless, after the nineteenth cream puff not even Jiraya was smiling. Orochimaru had given up on about the fourth, but still Naruto kept cramming them in.

"Naruto?" Jiraya tried.

"Urfle?" Good lord, the cream was _everywhere..._In the background Orochimaru snickered slightly. Jiraya tried again, waiting until Naruto had finished his currentcream puff and then skilfully whisking the plate away before he could grab another.

"Shmurfle urk! Shenshei, 'oo bashtard!"

_Result! The boy has been removed from the buns!_

"Listen, Naruto, Orochimaru and I have come to a series of agreements regarding our stay in the village, and we both deem it wise to have you informed of them just so that there are no misunderstandings. Is that okay, kiddo? Oh, stop sulking about the buns! You only had nineteen of the things!"

Naruto still looked vaguely put out, but Orochimaru interjected. "We have deemed it wise that you should get to know the local children, sssso I have given you permissssion to accompany sssome of the teams on variousss low-level missions during your ssstay, depending, of course, on the individual wishesss of their team captainsss."

The orange-clad boy looked delighted. "That's awesome, believe it! You guys rock-thanks!"

Jiraya went next. "However, under no circumstances are we to practice Secret Keeping at any time during our stay, and we will have either Itachi or Deidara with us at all times to ensure that we keep to this rule. Sound fair?"

"I guess so, believe it." But inwardly Naruto cringed. More time to spend with the Psycho Creeps! Argh! Somebody, anybody save me from an eternity of strange sexual tension!

Er, we'll leave Naruto's mind now. There were a few other terms and conditions, one being to control the Kyuubi _at all costs, _which Naruto had snickered at-what did he think Kyuubi was, a dog? Another was not to set foot outside the village unless Naruto was on a mission, but that was about it.

All in all the meeting seemed to go very well....until the end. Just as Jiraya and Naruto were preparing to leave, and as Orochimaru was bidding Itachi and Deidara farewell (after a fashion) Orochimaru did something very odd.

The Hokage had been idly playing with Deidara's long blonde locks in a thoroughly disturbing manner for quite some time now (Jiraya had pretended not to notice) and just before he departed Orochimaru had reached out and grabbed the blonde around the waist. Caught off guard, Deidara had struggled before realising just who had him in an armlock.

"My my, Dei-kun" Orochimaru had said, pressing up against the younger man "your hair really isss lovely right now. Not that it isn't alwaysss, but it just seems _particularly _thick and sssilky recently. Ssstrange."

He released his grip on Deidara, who seemed thoroughly relieved to be out of such a strange embrace. Furthermore, Itachi had spun round the minute Deidara had been caught and hadn't relaxed for a second since.

And then Orochimaru had leant in very close to Deidara's masked face, and grabbing a chunk of the blonde's hair, had pulled him in even closer. "Very ssstrange indeed, Deidara. Your hair is thicker, your ssskin is almossst glowing, your eyesss are brighter-what have you been doing behind my back? Hmm, I _will _find out, remember that. Now go."

Orochimaru always had been a master of the stage whisper, and this was no exception. Everyone in the room had been staring at the pair, and when Deidara was eventually released, Naruto heard Itachi _finally _breathe out.

Weird. Very weird. Naruto wasn't really sure that he liked Konoha if these guys were the sort of people one came across on a regular basis...

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_They had left the building very fast indeed, Itachi and Deidara racing on ahead, Jiraya and Naruto (still weighed down by all the buns) strolling sedately along behind them. It was agreed that Itachi would take the first shift (the rest of the morning) then Deidara would be there in the afternoon, back to Itachi for the wee hours of the morning and so forth until Orochimaru needed them or Naruto and Jiraya's visit ended (whichever came first.)_

_After fifteen minutes gently ambling along and enjoying the sights, smells and sounds of Konoha on market day, they reached Come Come Merchandise (or as Naruto liked to call it, 'Planet Of The Dildos'). Itachi had been waiting outside for quite a while, and was beginning to look distinctly uncomfortable at being so close to so much unadulterated perverseness. _

_Deidara, he said, had had to rush home to help his father in the shop. _

"_Great! That means you can help us unpacking the last ten boxes! Whaddya say, 'Tachi?" Jiraya looked absolutely delighted at the thought of another pair of hands. _

_Itachi, however, looked terrified. "Um, I would really rather not if it's all the same to you, Jiraya-sama, terribly sorry you understand but really-"_

_He was cut off by an enormous simultaneous glomp from Jiraya and Naruto._

"_Aargh! Unhand me, villains!"_

"_No way, believe it! You're getting a proper sex education whether you like it or not!"_

"_You heard the kid, Itachi! Okay, Naruto-on the count of three we drag. One...Two...THREE! DRAG THE MAN! YEAH! LET'S GO, KIDDO!"_

_And so Itachi Uchiha, one of the most fearsome ninja in Konoha with or without his Sharingan, was unceremoniously dragged into a very old sex shop and would not be seen for the rest of the morning. _

_Poor little thing. Jiraya and Naruto were just great big bullies, really. _

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"Hey, 'Tachi! What do you think _this _is?" Naruto asked him, holding up what appeared to be a thong made out of liquorice.

'Tachi, as he was now known to his new best friends Jiraya and Naruto, simply glared at him. He was getting a little pissed off. After two boxes of flavoured condoms, three boxes full of oddly-shaped vibrators, one particularly unpleasant box full of old lubricant that had managed to leak all over his nice new trousers and repeated cracks about his virginity, wouldn't you be annoyed?

Jiraya and Naruto had just sat around laughing at him throughout most of this, and Itachi now felt like yelling juicy details about his former sexual encounters very loudly at the non-believers before storming off in a tremendous huff.

"I think you'd look great in this, 'Tachi!" Naruto was, it appeared, still hard at work on the lingerie-made-out-of-confectionary box. Beside him, Jiraya collapsed into laughter.

"He's right, 'Tachi! I can totally see you in a jockstrap made of candied orange!"

"But Jiraya-sensei, candied orange is _disgusting..."_

"Oh yeah...Hey, what about flying saucers? Everybody likes them, right?"

"Totally, believe it! 'Tachi, what do you think?"

_I think you should both fuck off and die whilst performing excruciating physical acts of endurance, leaving me free to run as far away from this horrible shop as possible! This sort of devotion to sexual intercourse is not normal!_

What he_ actually_ said was "Hn." And once again Jiraya and Naruto fell about laughing.

Itachi simply glared some more as he continued to sort out the dildos into separate piles in order of size and width. Soon enough Deidara would be here to take the afternoon shift, and they'd be able to tease him about_ his_ virginity.

Only twenty more minutes to go...

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_As a matter of fact, the unholy trinity of Jiraya, Naruto and Deidara got a lot of work done. By nightfall all they had left to do was bring in the furniture and produce some merchandise before they could officially be Open for Business. _

"_Aw, crap-I have to go soon, yeah. Got the night shift at Hokage Tower again, un." Deidara, who had been scrubbing the main windows in a slightly haphazard manner, turned around to face his new friends. _

_Unlike their earlier experience with the prudish Itachi, Jiraya and Naruto had soon realised that making virginity cracks at Deidara wasn't going to work because he made them right back at them-needless to say, they hadn't enjoyed a taste of their own medicine (particularly Naruto, who was a virgin himself and had always felt slightly guilty about teasing others in such a way, unless it was funny or Itachi.)_

_And although Naruto had been rather shirty towards Deidara for the whole kicking thing earlier and Deidara himself had been very quiet for the first hour or so, Jiraya soon go them both talking like old school chums. To their delight, it was revealed that all three liked pizza, shiny things and spiders. _

_He was also excellent at dealing with whatever Hell's Boxes threw at them. Lubricant? Easy, just chuck it away. Pornographic magazines? Read 'em all before, chuck them out! He made Jiraya and Naruto, who were still giggling whenever a thong appeared, look like amateurs. Whipped cream and fluffy handcuffs? Not a problem, just put them on the pile!_

_Not that he actually said that-Jiraya was just working under the assumption that all teenage boys (Itachi included, although he was twenty) were interested in sex in a big way. _

_Deidara had even apologised to Naruto for losing his temper earlier. _

"_Sorry about kicking you, yeah, it was just that Orochimaru has that corridor totally bugged and could hear every word you were saying, un. And if he knew you had stayed with my family he would have assigned another guy on this assignment, yeah, and then your Secret thing would have been doomed from the very start, un. So really I just had to shut ya up!"_

_Naruto had been pleased with the apology, but was still slightly put out. He grimaced and rubbed his back-it was still aching from the heavy impact. "Did you have to kick quite so hard, believe it? What happened to saying shut up, man?"_

_At that Deidara chuckled rather darkly. "Ah, you were asking far too many questions and being a brat, un. Besides, I didn't hurt any of your internal organs-why are you complaining, yeah?"_

_The younger blonde gulped rather loudly, but it was Jiraya who spoke next. _

"_You know about the Secret Keeping?" The older man looked pensive._

_Deidara shrugged slightly and continued to sweep the floor. "Not really, un. I only know what I heard through the keyhole and some other stuff I heard Orochimaru say. Nothing important, yeah."_

_Naruto looked confused. "If you could hear them earlier then why did you try and look through the keyhole, believe it?"_

"_Oh, Itachi and I always have bets on what set of china Orrie will use whenever he has visitors-Itachi won this time, he used the pink. He only uses that for meetings with people he doesn't really like, yeah. Sorry, un."_

"_No offence taken." Jiraya still looked thoughtful, but Deidara carried on. _

"_Speaking of Itachi, could you guys not bug him so much? He's very bad at talking about sex-it makes him thoroughly uncomfortable, un. As he looked so pissed off earlier, I assume you were teasing him about something, yeah?"_

_Both perverts looked guiltily at each other. "Well, we might have done a tiny bit of teasing about his virginity, but only a tiny bit, believe it..."_

"_Don't, yeah. He's not a virgin-ergo, you have no grounds for teasing, un."_

"_Maybe, but you should have seen the look on his face when this really smelly bottle of lube exploded all over him!"_

"_So _that's _what it was, yeah..."_

_And then Jiraya interrupted them by standing up and walking over to Deidara, who was now sweeping up all the old rubbish into a tidy pile in a corner of the main shop. _

_Jiraya looked very grave and Deidara, who had long since removed his mask, claiming that it was unbearably stuffy, looked up at him in confusion. _

"_What's up, yeah?"_

_Jiraya sighed a little. "Deidara, would you say you were trustworthy?"_

"_Yeah, un. I never tell anyone anything."_

"_But would you tell Orochimaru?" Naruto appeared to know what Jiraya was talking about, but it took the other blonde a bit longer. _

_When he realised he smiled slightly. "Nah, I won't rat you guys out, yeah. You're nicer to me than he is-why would I betray that, un? Your Secret Keeping is safe with me and Itachi, yeah."_

_Jiraya looked very pleased, but also faintly surprised. "But surely you must have some loyalty to Orochimaru as a Hokage anyway?"_

"_Nobody does, un. Besides, he's not actually too bothered about what you guys are up to here, yeah-he's only put me and Itachi on your case to keep tabs on you in case you try and start a rebellion and also kinda to freak you out, un. He thinks it's all very funny, actually. But he trusts us completely to tell us anything important, so you're okay."_

"_Really? Well, that's good for us, in any case. Thank you for that, Deidara."_

"_Totally, believe it!"_

_Deidara just smiled strangely and carried on sweeping. "It's okay, yeah. Just-if you get Ino and Dad involved in any way, shape or form I'll kill you, un. And then tell on you to Orochimaru. It's the same with Itachi, yeah-don't involve his little brother! Things will get ugly, un."_

"_Uh, okay..."_

_And so the day carried on until the sun began to set, and Deidara declared that he had to leave immediately. With a wave and a singularly manic smile, he had disappeared into the gloom. _

"_Bye, yeah! See you tomorrow!" _

_Naruto and Jiraya watched him go. "Crazy kid, that one. I really feel for Inoichi-imagine trying to raise him! You'd just die..."_

_Naruto nodded vehemently. "Believe it! There'd be the unstableness and the keeping him away from paedophiles and the blowing up stuff all the time..."_

_(Deidara had shown them his art earlier. Whilst cool, it was undoubtedly highly dangerous in the hands of, say, Naruto? Jiraya had banned it on sight.)_

"_Yeah, shame about all that...Sweet kid really, I'm sure."_

_They could now see the floor of their new pawnbrokers shop. It was a large but dark room, with old oak floorboards and heavy curtains. Jiraya resolved to paint it as soon as possible-a nice cream, perhaps? Or maybe a soft pastel grey? Cupboards lined one wall, and the floor and back rooms were now clear of boxes. Upstairs was all right-there was a little maisonette with two bedrooms that would do nicely for them, provided it wasn't painted pink. _

_He turned to face Naruto, who was slumped over one of the boxes in exhaustion. _

"_Hey, kid-we're done for today. Tomorrow we'll go meet the locals and get all our stuff put in, but right now I think we all could do with a large bowl of ramen. What say you?"_

_Naruto's head shot up immediately. "RAMENRAMENYEAH!"_

_Jiraya chuckled heartily. "I thought so! Chicken or pork?"_

_No-one had noticed Itachi slip through the front door of the shop, which had of course been left wide open. His dark, expressionless voice cut through the air. _

"_I prefer pork ramen, Jiraya-sama. And Uzumaki-kun looks like a nodding dog. Is that normal?"_

_Jiraya just burst into fresh gales of laughter. Who knew Fugaku's son would have turned out quite so amusing? Oh, he was going to enjoy the next few months..._

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**Okay, they meet the locals in the next one. And perhaps Kabuto will finally appear-who knows? I swear I have no control over this story any more...**

**I do not own Naruto and I apologise for the weirdness of this chapter. A lot of Itachi and Deidara, I know, but they're recurring characters in all my stories. **

**And no, it doesn't take a genius to work out that I've made Deidara either a) a druggie or b) pregnant. Good luck with that little puzzler! And yes, Orochimaru practically owns them. **

**Lastly, sorry about Itachi's terrible language. As always, I made him very verbose (for Itachi) but unusually this time I made him cuss like a sailor! Odd, I know. I have no idea how it happened. **

**See you next time!**


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